Kira May Angel Fernley

Kira May Angel Fernley

Our magical journey began on the 6th December 2008 which was the beginning of our married life together, so we knew the time was right to plan and start a family together.

We had a very romantic honeymoon in Jamaica where we enjoyed the time together in the Caribbean.

We arrived back home on the 17th December 2008 to all the Christmas celebrations; life was very busy and we both went back to work more or less as soon as we had landed off the plane!! We enjoyed our Christmas time and on the 29th December 2008 it was then we thought it would be the only Christmas we would ever have by ourselves as a married couple. This was the day we got the very wanted positive pregnancy test just before all the New Year celebrations, so you can imagine how much we had to celebrate and look forward too! We were so excited about what the year 2009 would bring.

The pregnancy was going really well, I had a little bit of morning sickness although nothing to shout or moan about. I was already in maternity trousers by the time I was 8 weeks; I just bloated up straight away. Our first scan was booked for the 13th February 2009 which is when we saw our baby for the first time with a strong heart beat which will always be a very special moment in our lifes.

Our baby was measuring 10 weeks & 4 days so we were sent to go back the following Tuesday where she measured 11 weeks & 3 days. We could see how much Kira had grown in a few days, Kira had grown the few mm required to measure the fluid behind her neck. It was such an amazing experience seeing our baby on the screen for the first time and it made the pregnancy more of a reality.

We received a letter through the post saying that I had a low risk pregnancy etc so it was then we could visualise a healthy baby coming home with us in September. Our expected delivery date was supposed to be Saturday 5th September 2009.

At 15 weeks I felt Kira move for the very first time, it was the most beautiful feeling I have ever felt in my whole life. Kira let me know from this moment onwards that she was still there and that she really loved music. Her favourite artist was by her reaction in the womb frank Sinatra. It is amazing that someone so small, would already be developing a personality by responding to sound. As the weeks progressed the flutters turned into stronger movements and by our 20 week scan I was getting a very clear gentle poke now and again.

The next scan was on April 22nd and it was then we found out we were expecting the arrival of a baby girl. This is when we went pink shopping and Daddy chose the coming home outfit which was a Winnie the Pooh dress with matching undies & hat.

I would sit and read stories to Kira each day and hope it would give her a better start in life because her brain was already developing and reading might make learning in the future easier for her. I had sorted out all my teaching assistant resources and gave them all to Kira; she already had jolly phonic books with a CD which sings all the letters and I intended to try and make learning enjoyable. We just wanted to give you the best possible start in life.

I was growing at a very fast rate and I loved my gorgeous baby bump. I had grown out of my work trousers and had a few funny moments when my work gave me maternity trousers which were as big as a tent and there was absolutely no way I would ever be that big even if I had gone to full term. I only had a baby bump and had not put on weight anywhere else. I just gave up on getting work trousers and stuck with my mothercare trousers as they were so comfortable.

On Saturday 13th June we were exactly 28 weeks and went for our 3D scan which we were very excited about. At first we couldn’t see Kira’s face because she was being a little gymnast and had both her little legs upright covering her face with her feet digging up on my left side of my belly. Eventually Kira moved her legs round a bit, brought them underneath herself and back up again. It took ages to get a proper view of her features and when we did I saw for my very own eyes that Kira had all her daddys features. She was so beautiful and we felt all the unconditional love we have for her. It was an amazing experience to see how happy she was in my womb. I would of never of imagined when the lady finished scanning me that it would be the very last time we saw our baby girl alive, which completely breaks our hearts.

At 28 weeks & 4 days we had our last midwife appointment and I was asked “is the baby moving ok” and I said “yes, she moves more in the night & early mornings though” The midwife was listening to Kiras heartbeat at the time and Kira kicked the doppler away from my belly. Kira answered the question for me with her powerful kick. The midwife joked with my husband saying he would have his hands full in the house with two girls. If only that was the case…..

Everything was going well, we heard Kira's heart beat at all our appointments with the midwife and Kira was growing properly. There was no warning sign or indication that anything was wrong.

On Saturday 20th June we were exactly 29 weeks and it was then I started to worry because I hadn’t felt Kira move as much as usual.

It was our first pregnancy so neither of us knew how often a baby should move. We rang the hospital on Sunday 21st June (father’s day) and went down to pregnancy daycare and thankfully they found a heartbeat and we relaxed because we were told she’s probably lying in a different position or something to what you are used too. Kira was actually head down during this appointment when the midwife was examining me; this now explains why I hadn’t felt the movement like I usually did.

The midwife said she still wanted me to go for a scan though too see if Kira was moving and I just wasn’t feeling her. But they would just send me home today because there was a heartbeat and everything else was fine.

Tuesday 23rd June 2009

Anyway we were in contact with the hospital and a scan was arranged for Tuesday came so we went to pregnancy daycare for a scan which was supposed to just put our minds at rest because I still hadn’t felt Kira move.

On the way in the car we were actually excited because we had heard a heartbeat on Sunday so we thought we would be ok and we were just going to be reassured.

The lady put the scan thing on my belly, I was babbling away saying the midwife heard a heartbeat on Sunday! That’s when she said "that’s what I'm looking for now" my heart stopped... then the lady said “I'm just going to get someone else”... I said to my husband "kira has died" he said "no she’s not" the two ladies came in together and both looked at the screen and then one lady said "I'm sorry but your baby has passed away... I glanced at the screen and couldn't see the usual heart bumping away; there was now an empty space.

This is when the shock came, it was unbearable, we only had just over 10 weeks left, the nursery was finished, and she had lots of beautiful outfits and would never want for anything. The cot was ordered and the pram had already been delivered. Our whole world had just been tipped upside down and our hearts ripped out.

The hospital treated us like royalty from that point onwards. We were taken straight to a family room where my husband rang our parents to come. Then this doctor came, she got me too take a tablet to start labour and discussed an option of me going home for a couple of days because it could take several days for labour to start but we didn’t want to leave the hospital and face everyone so the hospital put us in a beautiful room where James could stay too.

We had midwifes on call 24hrs a day. I had a few pains over the next few days, just like period pain but nothing strong enough to bring labour on.

I was feeling stressed about not having a outfit to dress Kira in when she was born although the hospital did offer me some small outfits which would fit her I just wanted Kira to go to heaven wearing something which either her Mummy or daddy had chosen for her, I just requested that it had to be baby pink.

My husband had the painful task of going into boots and purchasing an outfit which would fit her. We had already brought her leaving the hospital outfit which she has never been able to wear because it was too big for her and all the other clothes were 0-3 months so still too big. He came back to the hospital with a beautiful baby pink all in one suit with a tiny but perfect pink cardi. I knew the outfit would still be too big for her as they were for premature babies weighing from 5lb. But, it helped ease a bit of the pain knowing that we could dress her in something which was chosen with love.

Our families were so supportive and were there for us both when we needed them and left the room when we needed some privacy although I doubt any of them went far. We had moments when we wanted to be completely on our own and then moments when we needed them close. On Thursday we cuddled the outfit which Kira would wear when she was born because we wanted Kira to have her mummy & daddy with her at all times.

It was the hardest week of our life’s; we were exhausted and couldn't sleep. I didn't want to miss a moment of the time left with Kira inside me and it was far too early to say goodbye to by gorgeous baby bump.

Thursday evening came and I was told we would be getting moved down to labour ward, I felt a bit worried thinking I don't want to see mothers , newborns and hear babies crying etc. I was anxious about who I would see and what I would hear but we were placed in a room called the butterfly suite which had patio doors onto our own private garden which meant we could finally get some fresh air into our lungs after having been isolated in a room away from everyone upstairs somewhere. Thankfully we were isolated so we didn’t have the pain of hearing other mothers in labour and newborn babies crying.

Anyway, the tablet I was given on Tuesday hadn't started labour off so I was given a pessery, which they said would be one of a few! But that was not so because within a few hours I had contractions every 3 mins and then every 2 mins and I don’t remember much after that cause it all happened so quickly.

I remember having pethodean in my leg which made me sick so I had to have an anti sickness injection in my other leg. I also had gas & air which at first made me feel drunk but it really helped once I figured out when I had to breathe it in. I said no to an epidural but was then given morphine on a drip when the pain got unbearable which was very strong and made me very sleepy.

'An Angel wrote in the book of life,
our daughter’s date of birth,
then whispered as she closed the book,
"Too beautiful for Earth". '
Our daughter Kira was born breach with her tiny hands up on her face. She weighed 2 pounds & 15 ounces which was a good weight for her age.

Kira was born on Friday 26th June 2009 at 03.36 am at 29 weeks & 6 days.

I had Kira in my arms very quickly and I hold onto that feeling of having our beautiful daughter in my arms every second of each day. The love we are given as parents to our children is something until you’ve actually experienced yourselves you might not ever understand it. The love we have for our daughter will over fill anything we ever do in our lives now. I have a picture in my mind of my husband cuddling our beautiful daughter in his arms with love in his eyes.

The midwife & student midwife took pictures of Kira and brought the prints back to us within what felt like a few minutes. They did beautiful hand & footprints for us to keep. My mum & dad were with us both for the duration of our daughter’s birth which meant they had cuddles very quickly after the birth.

Then phone calls were made to get Kiras other grandparents, aunts & uncles to see her and say goodbye. My brother was in Afghanistan at the time and the army couldn’t get him home. My brother’s regiment actually did a prayer for Kira out in Afghanistan which was very heart felt and warming.

My husband’s parents and our sisters came to hospital and were given an opportunity to hold Kira and to also say goodbye. Not everyone was given the opportunity to do so but we knew everyone was thinking about us all and were sending Kira all their love.

This was an extremely emotional time for the whole family, and it is still a huge shock to everyone.

The day we were leaving the hospital was extremely painful; together we wrapped Kira in her blanket, gave her our last cuddles and kissed her goodbye, which was the hardest moment in our entire lifes.

The hardest part was saying goodbye to Kira and walking out the hospital the following day without her, it was a complete blur walking out of the hospital with empty arms and I wouldn't want my worse enemy to go through what has happened to us. We were expecting life to our first child and we were given death, a beautiful daughter born sleeping.

A midwife came to see us at home on Sunday and another came a few days later and then another came a week after that which is when they discharged me and took my notes. This in itself was traumatic because taking you’re notes away from you is the end of the pregnancy part and it normal circumstances I doubt you would worry about having the notes or not. The aftercare from the hospital was amazing though and they offered to photocopy all my notes for us but I had already photocopied them myself using our home scanner.

We waited 4 weeks for Kiras funeral which took place on Wednesday 22nd July 2009 which is something a parent should never have to go through. The service was beautiful though and we find comfort feeling that Kira is a little angel now and will always be in Gods love and care. I think at times like this its love, strength and faith that gets you through each day.

On Wednesday 9th September we had a meeting with our consultant and one of the specialists midwifes who have confirmed that they have found no reason why Kira passed away. It is a complete mystery why our daughter passed away when we had a low risk pregnancy with no apparent complications.

On our first wedding anniversary we will be taking part in the Jingle Jog around Markeaton Park which will raise money for The Butterfly suite. The fact is that unfortunately that in any pregnancy in carries a 1% risk of stillbirth and we were that 1% which is completely devastating. The funds raised for the jingle jog will help others who will sadly go through a similar situation to us.

http://www.justgiving.com/Samantha-and-James

Our daughter will always be loved, never replaced and never forgotten. We live in hope that Kira will be given a brother or sister soon and whoever else comes along will know they have a big sister who lives in the clouds up with the angels.